There is a trend in business jargon to use therapeutic language - words and phrases that originate in psychology and social work. Over the past few years, I've noticed that as the use of therapeutic language in a business context has increased, so too has my discomfort with it. At this stage, whenever words like heard, safe, and trauma come up in a business setting, I mostly bristle. I wonder if others can relate. It bothers me because I know how invaluable therapeutic language is. Yet, in these settings, it lacks substance, hides meaning, and is—at times—manipulative.
Therapists use the word heard because it extends agency to the silenced. Like the children I saw at the Tennyson Center who had been horrifically abused and neglected or the veterans I support who have experienced combat trauma. Both share that they have, in some way, ignored or compartmentalized their experiences, leading to a sense of profound shame and guilt that wreaks internal havoc. Therapists extend the invitation to speak and be heard with a purpose. The purpose is to bring into the light what haunts us in the dark to affirm, normalize, and set in motion paths to healing. There is a place to be heard like this; the boardroom is not it.
Our business meetings are not group therapy sessions, and our businesses are not treatment programs. Businesses exist to serve a purpose for their customers. When our business meetings devolve into quasi-group therapy sessions, we take our focus off the mission and place our focus on our feelings. As a result, we can get lost in our emotions.
Other times, toxic leaders speak this way to manipulate people. Just because the words “You’ve been heard; I want to make sure you’re heard; everyone here is heard” are used doesn’t mean anybody actually listened. Many times “heard” lacks substance because it lacks follow through. People are smart. They know when they are being patronized. Failure to follow up with understanding and action is a key sign of toxic misappropriation of an otherwise invaluable word. It doesn't mean the organization must incorporate all feedback, but it does mean that all feedback should be accounted for.
- Mandy Patinkin playing Indigo Montoya, The Princess Bride (1987)
Safe is another word. It’s common to hear someone say, “I want you to feel safe, I feel unsafe, or this is a safe space for sharing.” Safety is critical. Every human deserves to be safe from physical, emotional, spiritual, or psychological harm. I have spent the greater majority of my life fighting for the safety of others, primarily by placing myself in harm's way. Every day in Afghanistan, someone was trying to kill us. Every day serving veterans or abused children, I reexperienced my trauma. I ardently support the safety of others and consistently do something about it.
When used out of context, safety/ unsafe stops all dialogue, delays problem-solving, and halts progress. In a business setting, people work on complex problems with high demands, low resources, and different opinions on success. People have different opinions, but opinions are not an affront to another’s safety. I can understand why this gets confusing. I’ve been in plenty of meetings where someone says something that causes a visceral response inside of me. My heart rate increases, my chest tightens, and my adrenaline surges. These are signs of a fight or flight response, but that doesn't mean I am unsafe. It means something humanity has known since time immemorial - our feelings will lie to us. You probably aren’t unsafe. Uncomfortable? Yes. Irritated? Yes. But not unsafe. We have to stop misnaming this.
We also have to stop misnaming trauma. “Trauma is an emotional response to a terrible event like an accident, rape, or natural disaster.” When my children were in the 8th and 11th grades, a very sick and dangerous child—who had been in a lockdown mental health facility just months before—walked into their school along with another sick child, shot several children, and killed one. One of the children who was shot was lying right in front of my daughter. That is a terrible event that created lifelong consequences. That is trauma. A layoff is awful, but you can find another job. A disagreement is terrible, but you can still work together. Being uncomfortable in a meeting sucks, but you can gain control of your emotions and get the job done.
I cringe when people misname trauma or say, “Man, I got PTSD from getting that project across the finish line!” No, you didn’t. Try, "I was frustrated and exhausted after slogging out that project" instead. When we misappropriate the word trauma, we invalidate those who have truly experienced it, which is, in fact, the exact opposite of what therapeutic language intends to achieve.
And that’s really my problem with using therapeutic language in non-therapeutic settings; we are rewriting meaning and rewiring our brains to believe the narrative. That is incredibly dangerous and destructive for those who rely on these advances in psychology—like me—and ineffective for businesses trying to achieve their goals. The consequence of using therapeutic language out of context is that it can fool us into thinking we are doing the real work. The “get in the chair, go to your weekly session and deal with your demons” work. The “cut the crap, stop tap-dancing around your issues” work that therapists are trained and skilled to guide us through.
Using these terms out of context is a copout to doing the real, complicated people work that gets shit done in the workplace. When we use therapeutic language to mask what we are truly saying, manipulate others, or avoid the hard stuff, we devalue it and disrupt team cohesion. There’s a better way. We can use therapeutic language and techniques as they are intended - to regulate our internal space within our external environment. We can go to therapy in the treatment room and bring our skills into the boardroom.
When we feel stressed out in a meeting, we can self-regulate. That can look like deep breathing and listening. It could be doodling. It could be using acupressure under the table, or it could be taking a 10-minute break. When we want to solicit feedback within the organization, we can organize measurement and evaluation programs where leaders can share what they gathered, what they understand about it, and what they intend to do about it. All techniques that can build real trust within the team. And when a setback occurs, like a layoff or a failed product launch, we can acknowledge the disappointment, learn from it, and move forward.
There are many ways that any of those things can be done instead of using therapeutic language out of context. Because if a disagreement is unsafe, discomfort is trauma, all of us need to be heard, then we are seriously screwed when the real world hits. In real life, we don’t always get a voice in a decision, our bosses can be jerks, and our teammates can be unpleasant. How can we expect to persevere in the big things if we cannot express #resilience in the little things?
