Let’s start off with a gut check: When’s the last time you made an effort to “win” an argument about something so inconsequential just to have the ego satisfaction that you “won”?
I’m raising my hand. The most recent (ridiculous) squabble was with my 4-year-old over whether her art supplies should be stored in the cabinet (me) or placed on the empty end of the dining table (her).
One of the many nicknames we’ve given our daughter is The Negotiator. She’s clever at providing counterarguments or deals in her spunky way that we (kind of) joke that she’ll either be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company or the head Manager of a convenience store when she grows up. It’s endearing and funny to listen to how she brokers a deal over what we are telling her needs to be done. Her response often goes something like, “How about after I finish my drawing? I only have one more color to use. Is that a deal?”
Deep breath. Okay. Fine. It’s not the path I wanted, but it gets both of us to our end goal. Negotiations at the European Union can be less complex than this.
While this should be a simple, non-confrontational situation, it nevertheless can turn into one. But we’ve all done it, right? And probably more recent than we feel comfortable with. Arguing and debating aren’t necessarily negative activities. It’s where new ideas, growth, and learning can occur. Whether it’s with our work teammates, spouses, family members, or the social media keyboard warrior, we can get riled up over things that truly don’t matter. And if we are arguing because we believe that what’s at stake does matter, we can go about it all wrong trying to convince the other person to join our side. Things continue to escalate, and then we’re just looking for the “gotcha moments” and to win for winning's sake. Ego takes over, and we hold onto our stance tighter than a dog pulling on a toy rope just because we can.
Just. Let. Go.
Winning arguments are short-term focused, ego-driven battles for immediate gratification and “ah ha!” kind of moments. Those who want to win arguments don’t truly care about the long-term relationships or implications at stake. We just want to be right and for an individual or the group to support our ideas. When focusing on winning an argument, one isn’t focused on actually solving the problem. When we disagree with or do not like an idea simply because it comes from our counterpart, that’s a prime signal that we need to take a deep breath and step back. There’s no point in arguing with someone who is dysregulated and all jacked up in the moment. Like the old saying about wrestling with the pig - the pig likes it, and you get dirty.
On the other hand, solving the actual problem has the long game in mind: winning the war, so to speak. Figuring out a solution requires strategic thinking, dropping immediate gratifications, and being willing to have a give-and-take. If we want to be clear-headed, we need to put down our swords and attempt to see their point. Try to see if their side has merit and if there’s something positive to align on together. You also have to be willing to change your mind, even if your perceived adversary has an excellent idea or point of view. The person you’re playing tug of war with might actually have a solid solution.
As you’ve probably heard us here at ALPs, people aren’t problems. Problems are problems. People are people. Solve the problem, not the person. If we want to solve problems successfully, we need to have alignment, not agreement.
Agreement is harmony of opinion. I think we can all agree (pun intended) that we are never going to share the same viewpoints with everyone we meet. Additionally, people can be misled into thinking that they must always have an opinion about everything all the time. We truly can choose to be agnostic on a specific matter and instead focus on putting forth the effort to solve a problem.
On the flip side, alignment is harmony of effort. As individuals, we don’t need to agree on everything as long as we know we are walking shoulder to shoulder, in the same direction, focused on a positive outcome. Not winning. I’ve been in plenty of situations where I absolutely did not see eye to eye with a colleague on a single thing. One individual in particular comes to mind. I was definitely the villian in this specific individual's world, and they let me know it every chance they could, in a group setting, no less. Despite how frustrating that could be, I also knew that we were both passionate about and focused on our company’s overall mission.
Simply put:
Harmony of Effort > Harmony of Opinion
Alignment > Agreement
So, how do we get there without losing our collective you-know-what?
Ask yourself some questions.
What problem do we actually need to solve to get to success?
What’s my role in solving the problem?
What’s my counterpart's role in solving the problem?
Is there a way I can support them and vice versa?
Connection is key wherever you can find it. As President Reagan said, half a loaf [of bread] is better than none.
Stop. Breathe. Refocus. Repeat as needed - Inhale for 4 heart beats, hold for 7 beats, exhale for 8 beats. Don’t get caught in internal doom loops and ruminations on how terrible the situation and/or the person is, and fool yourself into believing progress will never happen.
Put down your sword - Be prepared, but not too prepared. You can’t possibly prep for every possible question, statement, accusation, and zinger that may come your way from someone who is looking to win an argument. Most people who enjoy these kinds of confrontations rant all over the place and can’t stick to the relevant subject at hand. Bring any digressions back to the facts, and keep your questions and points strictly to the problem you are trying to solve.
Listen to them. And then listen some more - Acknowledge their feelings and empathize with their frustrations, as hard as that may be in the moment. Calm and understanding responses can better guide emotions and hopefully lead to effective communication.
Engage - Ask earnest questions to those you’re having difficulties with. “Would you like to make a plan together to solve this?” “Where do you think we should start?” etc. Be keen with your questions so that everyone understands the path forward and where you are going.
Do we need to agree on the same ideas and methods to solve a problem? No! Can we work with intention together to solve problems and meet our goals? Yes!
Let’s win the war together, not small battles solo.
