The drama triangle occurs in relationships when there is a victim, a villain, and a hero. It’s a psychological construct introduced in the late 1960s by Dr. Stephen Karpman and is commonly used in Family Systems Therapy. An awareness of this theory is helpful in leadership because drama triangles pop up all over the place. We see them in poor performers, rock stars, and others in between. We see them in business, in families, and in friend groups. At times, we find ourselves in the midst of a drama triangle without even knowing it!
Though we wish it weren’t this way, the drama triangle is common in performance management contexts. We’ve seen it enough times to lay it out for you in a few sentences. It looks something like this.
An employee is underperforming (commonly late, fails to turn in projects on time, fails to meet sales goals, creates conflict within the team, etc.). They point fingers and make allegations as to forces outside of them that are preventing their success (identifying as The Victim). When asked about the failures, the employee further elucidates those forces are out to get them or holding them back - it’s the system, the rules, other employees, etc. (casting The Villain). Leaders listen with curiosity and concern, take the employee's information at face value, and ask how they can clear a path to success. Then, that leader follows through, clearing obstacles and making a way out of the trap (The Hero).
How does this often go? If you’d guess that the underperforming employee sprints through their challenges like a runner unshackled from a set of ankle weights, you’d be an optimist (like me). But you’d likely be wrong. More often than not, that employee only marginally gets by, then finds themselves stuck in another drama triangle–playing the role of victim to a new villain and looking for the hero.
Don’t take the bait. Pay attention. Anyone constantly playing the victim in their story will eventually make you their villain. Don't try to be their hero. It won’t work, and you intuitively know this.
If this is as hard to read as it is to write, it’s because you care. That care is a genuine gift that makes you the compassionate and thoughtful leader you are. It also makes you vulnerable. Perpetual victims can smell compassion on leaders like sharks smell blood in the water. And though I don’t believe many perpetual victims are cognitively aware of this ability to sniff out vulnerabilities (nor are they usually aware of their perpetual victimhood), I have observed them take advantage of well-intended people more times than I wish. I have allowed myself to fall prey to “The Hero” bait more times than I care to admit.
I get it, and I’m sharing this because I know others do, too. We are allowed to feel bad about it and still cut the drama triangle off because it kills team cohesion and disrupts effectiveness. If you’re stuck in a drama triangle right now, eject yourself immediately. Take action. Expect you’ll be cast as The Villain in this episode of The Victim’s rendition of “It’s a Terrible Life.” But know this right here and right now: you are not a villain. You’re not a fool, either.
Fools don’t know what’s right and don’t know how to do right. You’ve identified what’s right and know your good intentions have been taken advantage of. You are no fool. Refusing to apply sound leadership wisdom in service to your team and your mission would be foolish. Taking a teammate's words at face value until proven otherwise is not the act of a fool. It’s the act of a leader. As my partner Blayne always says, “Anything done in earnest is not done in vain.” Never let someone make you feel foolish for laboring in good faith. But never let the foolishness linger on your team, or it will create chaos.
A solid framework for navigating this difficulty is to first step out of the drama triangle by differentiating from the individual. Once you do that, get clear on the facts of the matter, and then take appropriate action.
Differentiation of Self
Edwin Friedman, in “A Failure of Nerve” and “Generation to Generation,” talks about the importance of differentiation, but I really like how Steve Cuss puts it in “Managing Leader Anxiety: Yours and Theirs.”
“Differentiation is the ability to be fully yourself while being fully connected to other people. It is gaining clarity on where ‘I’ ends and the ‘other’ begins. A differentiated person allows space between herself and another, even when that other person is highly anxious or asking for rescue. A differentiated leader is clear on her own values and convictions and is not easily swayed from them.” (Managing Leadership Anxiety, pg. 119).
We use this simple tool to consider how to get to differentiation.
Get Clear On The Facts
People aren’t problems. Problems are problems. People are people. Objectivity is key here. Once differentiated, separate the parts of the situation to gain greater clarity. This is pretty straightforward, so here are some simple questions:
What observed behaviors are outside of our values?
What observed behaviors have disrupted our mission?
What observed behaviors are unethical?
What are the outcomes of the teammate’s work?
Do the outcomes match the teammate’s goals?
Measure each of these and then evaluate them for clarity. Once evaluated, you’ll know what is objectively accurate, enabling you to know what action naturally needs to be taken.
Take Appropriate Action
I can’t tell you the right next step, but I’ll offer this: whatever action you least want to do but know you need to do (the one keeping you up at night) is probably the best clue to explore.
Hang in there, leader. You’re good people.
