“Who is at the center of my story?” is a humbling question worth asking regularly. I’ve found that when the answer is “Me,” it’s a warning light on my dashboard of life. It creeps up on me unexpectedly, like experiencing a friend or family member’s trials and tribulations as an inconvenience instead of an opportunity. I know when I’m at the center of my own story when words like “I have to help…” emerge as opposed to “I get to help.”

It’s worth noting how this shows up in leadership. Often, it arises as the babysitter’s club narrative. We’ve all heard it, “Ugh, it’s like I’m babysitting children!” No, you aren’t. You are leading people. When we manifest sentiments of this nature, it’s a clear warning sign that we are at the center of our story and may view leadership as a chore instead of a gift. That insidious thought can damage team communication and cohesion because people are smart. Rest assured, if you feel they are an inconvenience, they feel they are an inconvenience.

Another warning sign is an over-expressed focus on identity. We call this the identity asymmetry trap, which relates to an over-identification of what we do professionally and can also be applied to an over-focus on elements of who we are. How we identify in the world matters, but when over-expressed, it becomes an obstacle instead of an asset. I am many things, not one thing. I am a child of God, a husband, a dad, a friend, a brother, a leader, a Jew, a Christian, a man, a Ranger, and so forth. All of these are important elements of my identity, but whenever my identity is over-expressed, it inhibits me from engaging with the outside world. I lived that early in my separation from the military. It sounded like, “You’re not a Ranger. You could never understand me!” False. And unhelpful.

Placing myself as the central character in an unfolding epic forces others to fall in line or be canceled from the cast. But those who get canceled have their own story, which is just as valuable as mine.

We forget that when all the world is viewed merely through the lens of self. All light bent through the lens of self is naturally darkened by selfishness. All unfolding events are merely ones that shade my story instead of our story. As a result, a friend in need becomes a burden to the story as opposed to the story's point. Namely, that we are communal creatures built for a relationship with the Creator of all life and one another.

That’s the story I choose to live in. One where I know I am loved and that I get to love others (Matthew 22:36-40), even when it’s inconvenient, and especially when it costs something. A story in which I matter, and so does everyone else. I’ve tried the alternatives. I’ll live this one.

Who’s at the center of your story?