I once believed I had to have an opinion about everything. I remember feeling like it was a moral responsibility. As I’ve gotten older, I’ve realized that isn’t true, and that the cost of an opinion is sometimes greater than the gain.
Back in the pre-war days, I was selected to compete in the NCO of the Year board at the 2nd Ranger Battalion. I sat before the Company's First Sergeants and the Command Sergeant Major. I was asked a series of questions that spanned technical data to obscure factoids and military history through current events. I was doing well and could see my First Sergeant smiling brightly until we got to the current events.
“Sergeant Young, tell us what you think about NASA and their current projects?” The Sergeant Major said.
“Frankly, I think it’s bullshit that these guys are spending billions of dollars on launching rockets into space, but I can’t even get one of my Privates a new Assault Pack, Sergeant Major!” I said. A pretty strong opinion that wasn’t exactly well-informed!
My First Sergeant stopped smiling.
I didn’t win NCO of the Year.
We are often encouraged to pick a side on a decision or an issue, which is mostly a false dichotomy between affirmation and condemnation. But how we choose to respond more realistically occurs on a gradient of indifference, acceptance, and tolerance. Tolerance is the most costly of all.
Indifference implies avoiding what is before us. Human beings are complex creatures - mind, body, and soul. Indifference forces us to disconnect those parts from one another and lose the ability to fully engage in our work and relationships. Indifference is a tough way to live. It leads to checking the boxes instead of doing the real work. It’s the person who sits at the table without contributing to the process or solving any problems. We had a term for those people in the Army. We called them “slot burners.” Slot burners took a seat in a course without doing the work; they failed the course, while others who were hungry to do the work never got the chance. When you are competing for opportunities to grow in your profession, the slot burners sure make it hard.
Acceptance implies taking what is before us as it is. This is critical for team dynamics and alignment. Decisions have to be made in a timely manner for organizations to be effective. And there are always tradeoffs that must be considered. When a decision is made, we must accept it and drive on if we intend to remain a part of the team. Where we often find misunderstanding is in the relationship between acceptance and agreement. Acceptance does not mean agreement. Agreement is harmony of opinion. We can accept something without agreeing with it. I accept the fact that we withdrew from Afghanistan in 2021. I disagree with how it was conducted.
Acceptance enables alignment within teams, and we can have alignment without agreement because alignment is harmony of effort. A true professional is a person who accepts the decision–whether they agree or disagree–and yet still aligns their efforts to the team’s needs. As leaders, we need to get comfortable with alignment over agreement because people are smart. People know when they are being manipulated, and when they are being told they must agree with something or pay the price for dissension. While we would all love to have agreement, we must be willing to settle for alignment if we hope to attain effectiveness as teams, organizations, and communities.
Tolerance implies putting up with what is before us, which suggests that a judgment has been leveled. While acceptance allows us to move on, tolerance requires us to hold on. Holding on is costly. There is an emotional and mental toll. We fixate on looking for anything that conflicts with our firmly-held opinions and we get stuck. Getting stuck is comparable to an exhausted five-year-old who insists on having the cookie instead of eating their dinner after a long day at Disney. Everyone at the table suffers, and eventually, the child crashes, with or without dinner, because tolerance is limited.
The costs always overcome the circumstances. Tolerance costs relationships. Tolerance costs engagement. Tolerance costs alignment. Tolerance costs performance. Tolerance costs enormous amounts of energy and activity to deal with. On the other hand, acceptance releases our focus from the situation and directs our energy towards what we can control. We can still have an opinion on the matter, but we can choose to hold it, and subordinate that perspective to the greater good of the team and our shared objectives. We simply cannot die on every hilltop. And we simply cannot avoid our reality through indifference and expect positive outcomes.
““You always own the option of having no opinion. There is never any need to get worked up or to trouble your soul about things you can’t control. These things are not asking to be judged by you. Leave them alone.””
What are you tolerating right now, and what is it costing you? Is there something you remain indifferent to that could use your attention? What must you accept today, whether you agree with it or not?
