I often consider myself an accidental sociologist because, while I actually have a bachelor's degree in sociology, I came upon it by choosing the degree I could finish fastest and found that I connected with it deeply. Sociology is the study of people and group behavior and shares concepts with psychology and anthropology. It gleans human insights from analyzing large group patterns applicable to small interpersonal relationships.
One of those insights is a concept called “the looking-glass self” by Charles Horton Cooley for child development. It states that our identities and how we perceive ourselves are a combination of our internal awareness and the external feedback from our environment. It’s essentially an amalgam of how the world within and the external world interact to locate ourselves. Like a smartphone map - when connected to cellular service, it locates us within the world around us, but when disconnected, displays a map without context to its surroundings. We can study the map and memorize cities, rivers, streets, or mountains, but we cannot tell which street we stand upon without a connection to the external world. Clearly, to get where we are trying to go, we need to be connected to the world around us.
The same can be said for people.
Photo Source: Mirrors were called looking glasses in the late 1800s/ early 1900s. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Looking-glass_self
People are better when we are connected to the world around us. Teams are better connected to one another. Companies perform better with connected teams. Products and services are better when connected to their customers. Leaders are far better when connected to our people. Because the connection tells us all where we really are, not where we think we are and not where we perceive ourselves in isolation from others and the way our decisions affect others.
This is important because decision clarity comes on both the front end and the back end of a given choice. We gain as much clarity on the front end to inform our decisions, yet the follow-through is just as critical. The decision to alter a company perk may make clear financial sense on the front end, yet the disruption to company culture may create so much turnover that the cost of attrition on the back end hits the bottom line harder. Was the decision great in a vacuum? Yes - it saved tens of thousands of dollars in annual discretionary spending. But was it a great choice after follow-through? No. No, it was not, and as easy as it may be to view choices in the context of our surroundings, it’s not so easy to view ourselves in the same way.
It’s personal. It hits home in a different way, and it’s the real, damned hard stuff that we must do to make meaningful growth within ourselves and a meaningful impact as leaders. If we’re being honest, we’ve made it particularly hard on ourselves to achieve this. We are, in many ways, encouraged to be the stars of our own reality TV shows all day, every day. We broadcast from our pockets into live studio audiences we once considered relationships and are rewarded for viewing friends as followers. We are promoted for pushing content out with little feedback but likes and comments. And it’s not just social media.
It’s toneless mass blast emails. It’s messaging platforms that keep us “connected” without context. It’s CRM dashboards that show us numbers and names without behaviors and nuance. It’s camera-muted conference calls where leaders speak into names on grid squares instead of smiles on faces - or frowns, or laughter, or furrowed brows, for that matter. Mirrors from the outside world that connect to the inside processing and enable us to understand how we are perceived. And that lack of active feedback from others around us makes for lopsided perceptions of ourselves. I think we all long for the looking-glass self-leader. And I think we can all be those leaders with a little extra effort. We’re fortunate to see how leaders across America do this well, so here are some looking-glass leader hacks to consider.
One leader we support requires cameras to be on during all team calls. We’ve actually waited to start presentations until all the grid squares turn into faces. Faces in boxes ready and responsive for the session. As a presenter, I can tell you how much we appreciate this. And yes, I’ve seen that sour expression on the person who laments the loss of their muted box, but I can assure you that it helps me understand if my message is on or off course.
Another leader uses email solely for information distribution, such as event dates and locations or deadlines for expense reports. All other communication is conducted via weekly team calls and follow-on one-on-ones. If something is unclear, she requests that people call or text to ensure that the message is clarified. I appreciate that approach. It’s time-consuming, but she consumes her time with her people, ensuring that she remains connected and gains active feedback to inform her approach to her teammates. app
And then there is social media. I must say, the number of leaders I know and respect who are removing themselves from social media sites tells me something. It tells me that the luster of constantly broadcasting our lives has worn off. It tells me the need to constantly know what someone ate for lunch has waned. It tells me the urge to share where they are and what they are doing at every moment has gone cold. And it tells me that many of us, myself included, are looking for more genuine, reflective feedback from those we truly know and care about.
Speaking only from my perspective, I can say that I had a conversation with myself last year and asked, “At what point did I decide that I needed to broadcast every aspect of my life?” I’m not really sure when it started, but I know when it ended - last year! My desire to share has not waned, I still share what we write and the people we serve regularly on social media. But I mostly stopped posting vacation, family, and daily activity photos online and started sharing them via text message to friends and family when I felt so inclined. I stopped shouting into a void and started talking to people. People who cared and people who shared right back with me. And I stopped feeling like a star in my own reality TV show and started feeling like myself in my own life, present to those around me and connected to those I share it with.
And it reminded me that how we perceive ourselves in the world around us is far richer when connected to people over platforms. Because people will actually give us that feedback, that reflection from the mirror of the world to inform our internal talk track of how we really are, not how we think we are in a vacuum. And that is the very core of the looking-glass self, a 1902 concept that carries value through to today and beyond. If we are leading looking out the window and never receiving the feedback of the mirror, we miss so much. But when we embrace the looking glass, we can locate ourselves within the world we aim to influence and lead our teams more effectively.
