As coaches we come alongside our partners and guide them through their leadership practice. Our intent is always to increase their effectiveness and sustainability. It’s a lot like being a mountain guide, helping great people as they navigate their way to their next big summit.
It’s an awesome job and a big responsibility, one that we do not take lightly.
Some of my friends think it’s cool that I get to “talk for a living”. But that’s not right, because coaching is all about LISTENING. And when we do talk, the most important thing to come out of our mouths is not good advice, but good questions.
As any leadership situation requires, it is incumbent upon the leader to ask the relevant, and often difficult questions, that help to clarify the situation. If we are clear, then we can make sound, objective decisions. Without clarity, we flounder and react.
Questions matter, both for ourselves and our people. The quality of our questions will determine the value of the answers.
Raising teenagers has taught me the futility of questions like, “How was your day?” “How was school?” “How is going at work?”
“Fine.” Insert eye roll.
Fine...I know just as little now as I did before I asked. Another close-ended question that dead-ended the conversation. Parents of teens, I know you feel me on this.
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Alternatively, asking a better, open-ended question often yields better results, like, “what was the funniest thing that happened at work today?” Or, “what was the most difficult part of that math test you took this afternoon?”
Thoughtful questions yield thoughtful responses. And thoughtful responses provide clarity...if we are willing to simply listen.
Let them talk for distance and discipline yourself to listen for clarity.
Letting people talk for distance means quieting our mouths and our minds. It’s letting our conversation partner own the air time and our undivided attention. It can be very hard because most of us are uncomfortable with silence and want to solve problems. So rather than truly listening, we are inclined to fill the space and get way ahead of ourselves, missing our chance for clarity.
Kelly and I serve in a marriage ministry at our church called Reengage, and one of the best pieces of advice we got for facilitating group sessions is to ask a question and then be quiet.
Wait.
Politely wait for someone to answer.
It only takes 30 seconds...someone will fill the air.
Try it at your next team meeting or your next family dinner.
In our culture, we’ve grown to hate silence (that’s why we call them uncomfortable silences) while equally hating the noise. And we’ve been taught to guard ourselves and project perfection, while also wishing to be heard and seen authentically. These paradoxes are worth noting and as leaders, worth using to truly help our people.
When we let people talk for distance, we are far more likely to see the situation truly come into focus. And once we have focus, we are often able to gain clarity.
And it’s not just for others. It helps us to ask ourselves the relevant and the difficult questions and to give our minds the time and space to process for distance.
One of my all time favorite questions comes part and parcel to my personality: “so what?” I ask this of myself daily.
“So what?” helps me out a lot. As a grad school student, I'm currently devouring 1-2 books per week in my studies and I’m constantly asking myself while I read, “so what?”
“Do I understand this, and what should I do with this information?”
Sometimes I find the information is good to know, and sometimes I find that it may be transformative to my leadership practice. A perfect example is the Family Systems theory of differentiation of self (getting involved in others’ lives with care and compassion, but not so involved that we become enmeshed to a point that we are ourselves ineffective).
It’s like caring for your teenager who is crushed by that D on her math test with compassion.
You’re not standing outside the hole she’s in telling her, “get over it, it’s just a math test,” even though it is, and you’re also not in the muck crying beside her, reaching for the pint of ice cream. Instead, you’re fully engaged and empathetic, right there next to her saying, “I can imagine how frustrating this must feel, especially after how hard you studied.”
Differentiation of self is just as important as a coach for me, and as leaders for us all, so that we can help our people crest that next summit. I can’t guide someone through a particular challenge if I’m just as unsettled as they are.
But I also can’t guide someone through their practice if I don’t understand their situation. And that is hard because we all walk into these situations with our own preconceived notions, formed by experience and personality.
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I have found that if I can begin with a posture of curiosity, instead of certainty, then I can ask the questions that help feed that curiosity, from a totally interested and invested heart posture. And that posture helps me to ensure that we eventually arrive at their summit, not mine.
And their summit is far sweeter than one I’ve determined is best for them. That’s not our job. Our role is not to tell partners how to live their lives, or which mountain top to set course towards. Our role is to listen to partners so that we can see their goals and guide them to achievement.
With this in mind, here are a few questions that we have found helpful and what we are listening for in order to gain clarity.
For who and for what?
Listen for personal motivations that may cloud judgement and listen for intent.
Sometimes we may be operating with unformed intentions making it difficult for our people to know how to achieve unarticulated objectives. Also, sometimes we have to pull apart our motivations to see if we can get down to the heart of the matter.
(We find that bundling these questions helps detangle personal motivations from team objectives)
How’s that working out for you?
Listen for results, and for areas of frustration.
It’s not uncommon for us all to feel stuck, and uncertain why or from where the friction originates. Give someone the permission to let this air out without judgement.
Who said it had to be this way?
Listen for standards and purpose.
Any organization that’s been functioning for more than a week has certain norms, but those norms may not be serving the team any longer. This question gives your partner the permission to chase their expectations back to the point of origination.
What are you going to do about it?
Listen for agency.
Within the answers to this question leaders are often reminded that they have the authority to positively affect change. We all need to be reminded of our agency from time to time. Sometimes by ourselves.
Leadership is a gift, and coaching leaders is an absolute honor. We started this practice with the intent to help leaders wisely apply timeless knowledge to yield timely results. And we’re having a blast while we navigate different terrains of accomplishment alongside great people doing big things in the world.
If you feel like leadership is a lonely place, give us a shout. Maybe we can help you feel a little less lonely, by starting with an opportunity to be a little more listened to.
Cover photo credit @wocintechchat via Unsplash