Anyone who has come up short in accomplishing a goal has probably heard the story about Thomas Edison’s 10,000 attempts at creating the lightbulb. Edison said that he didn’t fail 10,000 times, he just found 10,000 ways that didn’t work. As altruistic of a story as that may be when it was told to me in the midst of a life defeat, that random bit of trivia was of no consolation.
I was academically dismissed from the U.S. Coast Guard Academy (USCGA) when I was barely 20 years old. It was my first lesson in life not working out how I had planned. At the time, I honestly thought my life wouldn’t amount to much. Looking back on it 23 years later, it’s fairly inconsequential. Since that day, I’ve encountered some real life-altering losses: the suicide of a dear friend, the suicide of a mentor, the deaths of a parent, colleagues, and family members; divorce, financial issues, career changes…I could go on. These are the things that truly test one’s faith and internal drive.
I’m glad I had that loss on the scoreboard early in my life. It was my first opportunity to show some grit and decide whether I’d move forward or wallow in what could have been.
After graduating high school, my goals were to serve in the military and play basketball in college. Numerous colleges recruited me for basketball, but USCGA checked both of those boxes. I also had pride in the fact that a beloved Uncle was an alum of the Academy and a career Coast Guard officer. I was fortunate to earn an appointment and a spot on the women’s basketball team. Dream come true! But it all came crashing down a year and a half later when I couldn’t maintain the minimum GPA. Could I have studied more? Probably. Should I have quit the basketball team and focused on academics? Maybe. Should I have spent less time chatting with friends on the addicting vixen that was AOL Instant Messenger in the late 90s? Definitely.
I did none of those things, and my GPA showed it. Who knows - I could have done all three and still gotten dismissed. There’s only so much we can control, but we can always control our response. How we respond is the most critical decision point when we fail at something that matters.
We are not our failures.
Failing causes us to feel a sense of shame, anger, embarrassment, and even grief. As much as we may not want to realize it, there’s value in every failed venture and dream, in everything that doesn’t go our way. It shows us what doesn’t work and gets us that much closer to understanding what will. Failing also shows us how much we care about that endeavor, which is a double-edged sword because our bruised ego tends to get in the way of us learning valuable lessons in the midst of our heartache. It’s easy to get in our heads and let our pride run away from us. We can have the perception that our failures are more public and apparent than any of our successes. We feel our failure so strongly that we swear everyone else knows about it, like we’ve got some big red F written on our foreheads.
You come home, and people in your town are wondering why because they know you went away to do something epic.
You don’t get a promotion at work that you’re perfect for.
You put all your savings into starting your dream business only to have to close the doors.
You didn’t get offered the new job you wanted so badly.
Or, you did get that dream job, and the trainwreck you now see behind the curtain wasn’t in the brochure.
The reality is, no one really cares. No one else is thinking about it and agonizing over failing like you are. That may sound harsh, but it should also be a relief to gather yourself and move on to what’s next. Perhaps the people closest to you–your family and friends who are walking beside you through this–are the only ones who care.
You can tell because they support and remind you that you did something that mattered, regardless of the outcome. When I came home from the USCGA I learned that my family and friends cared about me…not my GPA, not my wadded-up basketball jersey I’d never wear again, and not my dismissal. They cared about me, and they reminded me that failing did not make me a failure.
“No mud, no lotus. ”
In fact, failing made me grow as a person. I’ve come to understand that having some games in the loss column has helped me get to where I am today – a wife and mom with a respected career. My losses in life have taught me immeasurably more than the wins.
Here are some thoughts on how to take every single nugget of wisdom out of our losses.
Journal your thoughts. The good, the bad, and the ugly. Put it all down. Get them out of your head and onto the page.
Stop the noise. Tell that voice inside your head reminding you that you failed to shut up! You know what happened. Replaying it in your mind only keeps you stuck in place, agonizing over it.
Recognize the positive. Stay positive, practice gratitude, but don’t ignore the messy feelings you do have. Acknowledge those too and don’t push them aside. It’s easy to be thankful for answered prayers and grateful when we get exactly what we want. What’s not so easy is to remember to be grateful when we don’t get what we want. More things are truly going better in your life than not.
Be kind to yourself. Take a break, go for a hike, do a yoga session, eat right, and don’t drink your failure into another failure. Recognize that you are worthy of this amazing life - all of life with its crazy ups and heartbreaking downs.
Don’t compare yourself to others. How other people “made it” and you didn’t, how unfair it may be that so-and-so got the job, and you didn’t. It doesn’t help, and it doesn’t matter. The loss is the loss. All comparison will do is steal your joy.
Redefine your definition of failure and success. Take the rejections with a smile. Let the “no’s” move you down the road to what will be a “yes”. You’re not being punished. You’re right where you need to be.
Regroup and make plans for the future. Your next step is the most important step. Will you believe that voice in your head telling you you’re a failure, or will you reject that lie, learn from your losses, and come back even stronger? Only you can decide this for yourself.
I regrouped and had a typical university experience (and an awful lot of fun) working as a bartender and graduating on time. Two weeks after graduation, I reported to Officer Candidate School, received my commission as a Coast Guard officer, and served on Active Duty for five years. I’ve had plenty of losses and wins since.
Life will kick us in the teeth. How we respond is what matters the most. Lean into your losses, they have so much to teach us. And move forward toward your next goal with the wisdom gained along the way. The difference now is that I fully embrace what legendary point guard John Stockton meant when he said, “Struggles are what made everything worthwhile.”
