We originally published this article during the COVID-19 pandemic, a time when we were all jammed up together, and tensions turned into flare-ups. The logic remains, and the tactics apply in everyday life when we experience setbacks in our work, our relationships, and so forth. Wherever we experience a setback, we must commit to a bounce back.
Setbacks occur when we don’t meet our deadlines, goals, or intentions. They are caused by factors outside of our control or failed performance in pursuit of those goals. These setbacks can create situations that feel like we’ve “hit a wall,” so we need to bounce back in order to get ourselves and our teammates back on track.
Everyone experiences this, especially when we hit a barrier to our performance that causes us to stop in our tracks. How we naturally respond is personality-driven. Some get depressed and shut down, others get anxious and cry, and some people emotionally withdraw and seethe with anger. There are so many ways we express this as people, but when we aim to bounce back after a setback, we have to take action in service to our goals and our mission.
But sometimes, it feels like you just can’t will your brain to work right even though you know what you have to do. We often ruminate and consider what we could have done differently, what we could have said, or how we could have behaved that could have led to a better outcome. We get stuck. We must take charge of the mental doom loop to get unstuck. To do that, we have to get our brains back on track.
Here are some immediate steps to take when trying to bounce back after a setback:
Stop: Say the word out loud. “STOP!” It may feel a little silly, but it makes a major difference.
Saying stop alerts your higher functions to take charge of your mind and body. The sympathetic nervous system often takes over in the aftermath of a major setback. Essentially, we are in a reactive fight-or-flight mode. This can look a lot like ruminating on the setback, losing sleep, replaying moments in our minds, or rehashing conversations we wish we could do over.
Saying “STOP” alerts our parasympathetic nervous system to help us return to our prefrontal cortex, the center of the brain that controls higher thinking.
Breathe: Take a few minutes to do some intentional belly breathing.
Take it all in, filling the bottom of your lungs first, then exhaling. Do this several times and calm your system. The ability to activate your parasympathetic nervous system will begin to engage your sympathetic nervous system and let your body know that you neither need to fight nor flee.
Refocus: Change the focus in your mind to change being stuck in the setback.
What are you mentally fixating on at the moment, and how is it helping to relieve your frustration? If it’s not, you need to refocus on something else. Sing a song, do a simple task (like expenses), read an article, or call a friend. Whatever you do, make sure you do something else so your brain can reset.
Then, if you really want to go deeper:
Reassure: You’re not the only one who’s stressed out. Odds are the setback belongs to the whole team. Reassuring others that you are feeling upset while reassuring them of your care for them makes a difference.
Get Some Space: Go outside, go into another room, get some distance. If you tend to withdraw when things get tense, perhaps let your teammates know that you are upset and you need a moment but will return and resume afterwards.
Physical Activity: Get some bilateral stimulation to help your brain process what you’re thinking and your body regulate what you’re feeling. Incorporating movement with breathing will strengthen the ability to see clearly.
Acupressure: if you’re really fired up, take a few minutes to activate some acupressure releases. You can learn a bit about some of the techniques at the University of Colorado supported Individualized Training and Education in Acupressure site via our friends at The Marcus Institute for Brain Health.
Recognize that this could take some time and intentional effort to get back to cool. A few of our favorite activities for bringing the temperature down include prayer, journaling, yoga, art, walking, singing, reading, meditation, and the list goes on. Find what works best for you and do it consistently. Also, use the technique as a preventative measure to keep you from losing your cool.
